Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Ramblings....

I want to blog, but I was planning on blogging about our anniversary, but I don't have pictures. So the anniversary blog will come later. I just feel like typing my random thoughts.

I'm at work, and they are currently painting the wall that is 10 feet from my desk and I feel as if I may asphyxiate from the fumes. Sometimes I feel like I may asphyxiate from life, is that normal? I don't even know what it is that makes me feel that way. Maybe that my life is so different than I ever thought it would be. You grow up with this picture in your mind of what life is and then you actually start living it and it's really not anything like you expected.

Our P90X endeavor is slowly deteriorating into nothingness. It all starts with one day when you don't want to get up, and then you don't have time after work to do it... It's been a solid week since we've done any exercises. We fail.

Dan is an amazing man. We need to find him a good woman.

Is it bad that I don't really care when some friends stop being my friend? To me the relationships that are best are the ones that I don't have to work on all the time. I have great friends that live far away and I see once every 6 months, text once a month maybe, and that's enough. And I still love them just as much as I did when I hung out with them every day. I shouldn't have to work so hard at keeping someone happy.

How about the fact that I don't really have any girl friends? Really the only person we hang out with is Dan, which is fine enough by me. He's rad. And he makes us amazing food. Always down for anything at any time, amazing friend who will do anything for us and he is so low maintenance. Why can't girls be like that? Hence...why I don't have any girl friends.

This might get a little deep here, but I feel like a big part of me has gone missing. And I keep trying to get it back, but it's like it doesn't want to. Like a 3-year old being pulled away from the ball pit at McDonald's. But here's the big question: do I want it back? It seems like I don't, judging by the measure of my efforts. Why now? Why this point in my life for this to happen? It seems out of place. Out of context. That's not how it's supposed to be. All my life this part of me has been...well, a part of me. Even when I was totally ignoring it, I still knew it was there, just waiting for me to come over and ask it out to lunch. But now it's just gone AWOL. I try to text it sometimes, albeit half-heartedly, to see if it wants to go get a non-committal drink, but it never answers the way it used to. Maybe it just doesn't want to be part of me anymore.

So there you have it, the deep ramblings of a somewhat lost girl on an overcast morning.

5 comments:

Megan said...

Wow. If you're feeling lost, what does that make me? Cuz I totally connected with that blog. Luv ya lots! (P.S. If you ever get some psycho urge to visit Provo, I'd love to see you!)

Mallory said...

Isn't it interesting how we have these random moments in our life? I feel as if a part of me is missing as well. I know its missing. I realize how much a part of me it has been, but I am not making efforts to fix that missing part or to change any part of myself. Its as if sometimes I am missing myself, but I don't care too much to find it.
ps. i'm a pretty cool girl.. and i'm pretty sure we're friends.. :) So you have me at least for a girl friend!

Dan Vela said...

Jaylyn you are amazing. Thanks for those kind words. I would have to agree with what everyone else has said that we are all missing apart of ourselves. I am not going to say much cause I think you already have said it. I love you guys, and to tell you the truth you are pretty much the best friends anyone could have and i feel blessed to be one of your friends.

Corri said...

I remember feeling that way about friends... Losing them, wondering if I was bad for letting them go... UNTIL I HAD SOME BABIES. Then friends had some babies, and we all came together with new reason and hope. The true friends are the ones you hardly ever see, but when you do, it's like NO time has passed.

Anonymous said...

And this one too. I dont appreciate the vagueness, just come out and say that I am a sucky friend.